How am I?

Hard to say, really.  I’ve been in Spain for exactly a week and it’s been extremely difficult.  A week has felt like a month.  Every day has had its challenges — every day feels like a battle, if I’m going to be honest.  I don’t know if I really want to write about it much, since it’s already so much a part of my daily experience.  No, I don’t want to, I’ve decided.  But I will say this — I didn’t anticipate the difficulties of living in the suburbs, when all the houses are identical and getting to Madrid is farther away than I originally thought.

I just really, really, REALLY want to go back to school.  Which I guess can be seen as a good thing, but right now it doesn’t feel so great since I have 6 months to go until then, IF I’ve even been admitted.

Also, I have no plan for when I go back in three months, and to make matters worse, my laptop is broken, which really complicates things in terms of applications for jobs. Probably one of the biggest sources of stress for me right now.   If I knew I was going back to school in the fall AND I had a job set up for the summer, I’d feel 70% better.

At times like these, I struggle to understand why so many people look back on their younger years with fondness.  I feel some must blot out the negative bits. Or maybe I just hate not knowing what I’m doing next.  Maybe it’s a personality thing, but I eagerly await the day when I’m confident in what I’m doing, when I’m no longer wandering aimlessly in search of the answer.  Perhaps I’ll always be wandering in search of it, but not like this I hope.

Not all who wander are lost, said JRR Tolkein, but boy do I feel lost now.


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