Self-esteem and self-acceptance

I’m working on feeling better about myself.  Not everyone knows this about me, but I suffer from extremely intense, and at times, debilitating, low self-esteem.  I frequently have thoughts like, “You’re stupid. You’re lazy.  You’re a horrible excuse for a human being.  Why were you even born?”  It’s mentally exhausting to walk around with these thoughts, like a heavy load you can never put down. I’m aware these thoughts are irrational, damaging and ultimately untrue, but being aware of this doesn’t stop them from sneaking their way into my psyche.

I’m trying to think more positively about my personality, which can be difficult because I am an introverted person and extroversion is usually valued more.  Everyone likes the life of the party personality type, and it’s hard for people like me to be ok with NOT being this way.   I’ve done a lot of mental work trying to be more accepting of myself and my introversion, but it’s an ongoing process and I can’t say I’ve “overcome” the feeling of inadequacy.  It’s a work in progress, I guess!


Different Paths

I find myself calculating how ‘behind’ I will be when I finally return to college.  (That is, if I’m accepted.   It’s no longer in my hands!) I realize this is a ridiculous way of thinking, as if taking this time off has somehow cost me the race.  Part of it, I think, has something to do with having an older sister so close in age to me.  I feel like I’m constantly competing with her, and I guess it’s been that way for a long time.  I can’t help but think, sometimes, even if it’s petty, that if I’d stayed in school, I’d  almost be DONE with it by now, which would mean I’d have ‘beat’ my sister to the finish line.  Stupid.  There is no race.  Because even if it’s corny, everyone DOES have a different path, and my path has taken me to Indiana, Nicaragua, Guatemala, and now, Spain.  Eventually, the path may lead me back to Massachusetts, but who knows?  My sister, of course, has an entirely different path, and one is no better than the other.  Just different, which is what makes it interesting.